my thoughts and feelings...

I don't even know how to begin this post. There is so much on my mind and I'm so full of mixed emotions. It's pretty crazy how quickly things can change. You could be sitting in your college apartment and randomly get a pretty scary text from your sister. A text that sounds so surreal that you think it must be a sick joke. But then in an instant you realize that it isn't a joke and that a little part of your world has changed because of that one text. I find it interesting that I go throughout life thinking that nothing really bad is ever going to happen to me or the people I love. Bad things happen to other people but never me, never my friends or loved ones. And in one second all those thoughts can be erased and the one thing you thought would never happen to you or the people you love... happens.
At about 7:40-ish I got a text from Emily saying that the flute and clarinet bus had rolled over on the way home from there competition. I at first thought that she was kidding. I was thinking man Emily seriously what a sick joke. I even texted her and said your joking right. After the firs initial shock of reading the text panic started to set in. I started thinking about all the kids I knew on that bus... I texted my flute teacher from high school (also the flute staff for the marching band) and asked her what bus she was on. My thought were oh my gosh she is usually on that bus. She texted me back and said she had been on bus 3 (not the bus that rolled) but she didn't answer me for the rest of the night. I kept trying to get Emily to text me back more information but she was only sending me fragments of info. I started to feel frustrated and annoyed because I wanted to know what was going on. I've never felt so scared in my life. Emily said that everyone was going to ok, so I stopped worrying and thought it was just minor. Then I got a text from Emily saying Heather our woodwind staff member was being life flighted. It all happened at once that text from Emily and then a text from one of my best friends Jessica saying Heather hadn't made it and then a phone call from my mom telling me that she had passed away and not to tell Emily. It was a shocking peice of news. Something that I had first thought was minor turned out to not be minor at all. Then Jessica called me back a little later crying and saying that it was worse than we thought and that kids were being sent to the hospital I then lost all control and started bawling and freaking out. I was so shook up I was literally shaking. I had a really nervous feeling in my stomache and I was really antsy. I wanted to be there, be there and know what was going on. My roommates had the news on and we were trying to catch every peice of information possible. I was up until about 3 in the morning recieving updates and such. Jessica was at the hospital in idaho that the kids were at and so she was keeping me updated. At around 12:30 one of my other best friends, Tonya called me and said that her sister was one of the three students who had to stay the night in idaho. The rest were bused back to American Fork. Her sister is having to stay another night (tonight). She has a shoulder injury, and I beleive a hip injury. She also has a bruised heart from the pressure of having so many people on top of her after they rolled. Her heartrate was about 120 saturday night and her oxygen level was lowering. This afternoon Tonya told me that her heart rate had gone down to 90 and that she was doing much better. I wanted so badly to be at the high school waiting for them to come back last night like everyone else I knew who was around. But then I heard about a service thing they were doing at the high school so I got a ride home for tonight. One of my friends from Snow was in the Riverton High Schools band. Heather had been a director there before she came to American Fork. So they were having there own thing for her there. I'm just so grateful that everything worked out for me to be home. I think it's where I needed to be. I feel so much better and at peace about things now that I was able to be home and go to that. My mom said she kept feeling like I needed to be home this weekend. It was weird. She called me Friday and asked me if I wanted to come home and go to the competition with them on saturday, I couldn't find a ride so I wasn't able to go. But I'm glad I was able to be home now.
It's crazy how much bands come together in times like these. All the bands around the state are keeping us in there prayers and stuff. Davis's marching band isn't wearing there uniforms to perform in at there show on tuesday (at the BYU competition) they are going to be wearing red and black... our school colors (update: they actually did wear their uniforms. They just had on red ribbons. Mostly all the schools had the ribbons on thier uniforms too). Um well there school colors. Haha, I've been graduated for a year and I still feel like its my school and I still say we and I still say ours. I am going to be comign home again for that competition. They were debating on whether to continue with the season and whether or not to perform on tuesday, but they concluded that Heather would have wanted them to finish. So they are now dedicating there show to Heather. There show this year is a war show and they had dedicated it to the heros and verterans from past wars. Its so ironic how fitting it is. Heather died saving the lives of all those students on the bus. She had jumped up when the bus driver passed out and grabbed the wheel to keep them on the road. She died a hero. They wear dog tags with veterans names on them, they are having new tags made with Heather's name on them and then in there show they have posters in the background. they turn those around at the end and there are pictures of real veterans and heros. they are adding a new poster. It's going to be a picture of Heather. It's going to make this show mean so much to them and for me and the other alumni. I think it'll mean a lot to a lot of people.
Anyway, I'm sorry if this all sounds jumbled. My thoughts are a little unorganized. I just wanted to take a minute and write down some of the things I am feeling. It truly was one of the scarriest nights of my life. I have a sister, a cousin, and lots of friends in the band. It really hit me hard because the bus that rolled was the bus I would have been on if I was still in high school. My parents kept thinking about how if I was younger than emily instead of the oldest that that could've been me in there. It's a scary thought. There was definately somebody watching out for those kids. The way the crash happened and the way the bus landed and stuff, Mr. Miller and the other kids thought there was no way anybody was alive in there. And yet somehow every single student came out alive. It's pretty amazing. What's even more amazing is that There could've been more deaths if Heather hadn't given her life for those students. My heart is just so full because of the sacrifice she made. I'm sure she will be greatly rewarded for what she did. I just love her so much because she gave her life for so many of my friends.... she will definately be greatly missed.