Saturday, June 6, 2009

totally stressed and frustrated!

So, here I was thinking, wow I can finally breathe and not stress out as much about making money to get to college in the fall. I got a job and have been getting 20 hrs a week for the past couple weeks. I thought maybe that would be what I was going to be getting. Well, I thought wrong! I saw the schedule today [er... yesterday I guess it is kind of late], and right now I'm only scheduled for 13 1/2 hours next week!!!!! I really hope that this doesn't start getting to be the norm. I mean seriously! How do I expect to make enough money off that! Holy cow. This world stinks! First of all nobody can really find jobs these days. I mean the only reason I got mine was cause I knew the manager personally since he is in my ward. And seriously nobody is hiring for full time at all! That is what I really needed this summer. Okay, okay, okay, I should be really grateful that I have a job in the first place. I could be sitting her typing this jobless. But I'm just kind of frustrated and find myself stressing really badly about how I'm going to pay for things. School aint cheep. And I not only have regular tuition and fees and books to pay for, but I also have about 600 dollars worth of flute lessons to pay for and housing! I would just bag the flute lessons... but I need them for my music minor! They are required :(. I think I have a serious problem. It's called anxiety. I worry about things ...... a lot. And most of the time its about nothing. I worry about the STUPIDEST things. It's not even funny. I cave easily under pressure and stress too. It's not pretty at all. I seriously don't know what to do. It's like I live day to day with stress and worry as my constant companions. I feel so stupid, because I know that life only gets harder and seriously to those who are older and have been through it all my worries probably sound so lame, but they are whats in my life now. I'm facing some of the biggest and hardest things I have had to live with up to this point. A little over a year ago I was still in high school where seriously I didn't have much to worry about at all. My life was pretty much structured for me. I went to school everyday at the same time and then had band rehearsal afterwards or whatever and I knew what was coming next everyday. Now my life isn't like that anymore. I have no earthly idea what is going to happen next! And that seriously scares me. I have a huge fear of the unknown. I just hate not knowing what's going to happen next. I have to constantly remind myself that I have to have faith in my Heavenly Father and know that everything will work out just fine. I just wish it was easier. I'm just so glad that I have the church in my life and that I know what I know, because I keep thinking about what my life would be like without that knowledge. Especially with the way that I stress and worry, I wonder what life would be like without prayer, without the comfort of the spirit and knowledge that there is someone there. I have such great comfort knowing that I am not alone. And that someone is watching over me. I just have to practice using that faith all the time I guess. Man, I'm stressed and worried enough as it is. It'd be ten times worse if I didn't have these things... and that my friends would be scary. I would probably already have had a heart attack at this point... hmmm. I seriously probably should re-think my life and try to live a little more care free haha. I would really like to live a longer life than I think I am going to if I keep being as stressed as I am all the time....
Thank you for listening to my babbling. I'm glad I have this blog. It helps me get some feelings out... and it probably bores you to tears. oops... sorry =S.

- m e g a n


Steph said...

First of all...no Im not bored to tears. (silly) Im so glad that we have the blog and can learn and be here for each other in a way. I wonder how much of all our anxiety problems must be hereditary...seems like a lot of us have the problem. Anyways. I know its hard...I understand what its like not to be able to relax and to worry all the time. I will pray for you because I know that prayer works and the more people that pray for you to better. I cant wait until family reunion...I get to see you guys and Jacob's trip with Ben will be over. Take care! *hugs* LUV U!!!!

Regina said...

I know it's not easy what you are dealing with. I think things will work out and be fine. I know it's hard to relax and just enjoy things when you have so much to worry about. Sometimes it's about the choices we are faced with. Life is all about choices and they can change your course of life. I think you are doing a great thing, going to college and trying to get some money saved. I'm so grateful for Heavenly Father too, and the knowledge that we aren't alone. That is the best comfort we have. So lean on it and know that He is with you and helping you along. I can't wait to see you at the family reunion!! Thanks for you comments on my blog.