i dunno

Sometimes I think.  Whoa I know.  Megan is thinking, watch out.  Haha.  But seriously.  At times, the thoughts in my head form so clearly, but by the time I go to write them down... they are gone.  I am not very good at expressing my feelings and thoughts clearly and as eloquently as some people can through writing.  I really wish I could.  I never really know how to write them down so that they sound right, or so that they make sense to anyone else who even bothers to read my random long ramblings that happen occasionally.  But anyway, I think my thoughts this morning went something like this.

***

I feel inspired and yet not inspired.  At the same time.  Is that even possible?  Can you feel two emotions at one time?  Is being/feeling inspired even considered an emotion?  I don't even know.  But whatever it is I feel it.  Both.  At once.
I just
feel
weird.

I've come to the realization that most people have a way of expressing themselves.  A way to get their emotions out.  A way to relieve the pressure of feelings that tend to cram up and bottle up inside of me.  But I don't know what my way of expressing myself and getting out my emotions is.

I don't always realize that I am feeling so many emotions or feelings because I ignore them.  I feel like I have no happy medium.  I either think and feel too much or I don't think or feel at all.  Some days I over think, worry too much, over analyze situations, fret too much over whether I am going to please everyone, and seriously freak out over my currently unknown future.  After I am done doing this, I realize that I am thinking way too much about things so then I push those feelings/thoughts aside and I end up procrastinating things and/or bottling emotions up inside.  Which equals BAD.  Because more times than not, these emotions explode and I have a freak out/panic attack.  I really wish I could figure out a way to eliminate those from my life!  Is it possible?  I have been doing better in my defense, but I still am not perfect at it.

I just don't know how to go about finding my way of relieving stress/pressure.  I suppose it could be my love of photography.  Or my love of music.  I just don't know.  Or maybe it is writing.  I may not be very good at it, but it does sort of help me get my thoughts out.  And writing all these thoughts I have been having today has kind of helped me see things a little bit clearer... maybe it's just getting them down on paper/computer visually that helps me figure things out.  I have always been a visual learner.  Hmmm.  Sorry, this blog post is slowly morphing into my brains thought process.  This can be a very confusing, random place.  One thought leads to another and another until I've completely lost sight of the original thought I had.  Anyway,  I don't really know where I was going with this whole post.

I am just kind of confused.  I am not really all that sure about some things right now.  I'm not at all sure about where my life is going right now.  I am not sure what I want to accomplish in life.  I've always just thought that once I was out of high school starting my own family was next.  But that doesn't always happen so quickly for some people.  Obviously I am not one of them.  However I am only 20.  Way too young to get married and have a family in my opinion.  Not that it's a bad thing if you ARE 20 and married and have a family!  That's not what I meant at all.  I just mean that it isn't right for me.  I don't feel ready or at all prepared for it.  It's a lot of responsibility that I don't think I can take on yet.  I am still discovering too much about myself. As you can see from this blog post I still haven't figured out exactly who I am yet.  I mean I do know who I am.  I am a daughter of God.  I am trying to get through this life so that I can live with Him again. I think what I mean is I still don't know exactly what my purpose is in life, as in I don't know what I am supposed to do with my life until having a family of my own is possible.  Oh my wow.  That sounds soooo confusing.  If you made it through this jumbled mess that is my brain these days, you deserve an award.

[via google]